I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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