I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I can't turn off my feet"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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