My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
