fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
