My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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