I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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