I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
