Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
