your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I have already put on my inside pants.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
