I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize