I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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