Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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