I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
