i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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