Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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