like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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