Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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