So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
