My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I could fuck to npr.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
This toilet bowl is my home.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
