If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
