Midget sex pt 2 tonight
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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