Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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