K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
