So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
