I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
