my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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