I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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