dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
