Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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