In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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