True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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