i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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