I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
