Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
pop tarts are not kleenex
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
