youre lurking in front of me
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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