I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize