Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
