But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
