for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
