After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
