mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
