The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
