Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
