so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
