is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
