having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
