He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize