I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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