i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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