ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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