1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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