Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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