just tell him i said nine months
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
