He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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