i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
whose parrot is this?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
