the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
