The maid of honor just puked.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Dicks are not precious.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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