I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
