her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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